Monday, February 27, 2012

Life in Every Breath

I survived. The unimaginable pain, the continous vomiting and constant unconsciousness, the total agony, all of it etched into my memory.

It tought me  things. Taught me the worth of every moment I draw breath. Taught me just how quickly this life could fade. It would have been easy. Easy as breathing. All I had to do was let go and my life would be forefit. Rather than surrender, my will became tempered. Knowing how easily I could give up made me fight even harder to continue. Just a little more. Just a little further. I can do this. I can survive. No. No, I WILL survive. I have to. I need to. It echoed in my mind, "Press on. No surrender. Continue. Move forward. Hold your ground."

A part of me died in that bed. The part that was only taking up space. The part that let things just pass by. The part that didn't care. The part that wasn't strong enough. I am reborn, determined to improve what I have, what I am. To rise above any who stand in my way. This life is precious to me, now more than ever. Each moment, each second. It isn't a gift from anyone else. It's something I already have, and something that I must fight for. 

The fire that has tempered my will stronger than any steel still burns within me. It is high time I spread that fire, and burn as bright as can be. It is time I truly live.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Love Awakens

I thought I had it figured out. I thought I was living in the moment, life in every breath. I believed attention was paid to detail. And then, of course,  I was proven wrong.

My fiancee has surprised me again and again, but no more. She has paid far more attention to me than I have myself. Almost two months after my chemotherapy was over, my hair began growing back. She's begun to notice even that it's longer today than it was the night before. She can smell even the slightest change to the scent on my first breath while I hold her.

I've meditated, I've focused, I've paid attention, and I still wasn't at this level, with anyone else, or even myself. How is it that she is so absorbant of her surroundings? It baffled me.

Love. She genuinely loves me. So much so that nothing else exists but this moment. The past is enveloped by the now. And the future can't even hold a candle to what she's feeling in this very moment. No thoughts, no ideas, no memories, just NOW.

It is a beautiful thing, learning this lesson from her. Not only do I realize that no matter how far I go in life, there will always be something I can learn, but that day after day, she can still surprise me. It is a gift, walking through this life hand in hand. When either of us falls, the other is there to pick them right back up, dust them off, and continue walking.

No matter how much money I may make in this world, I will never be richer than I am today. If I ever need to bolster my courage, I just have to look into those dazzling eyes and know that through it all, she has my back. Should the world turn on us, I would hate to be the world.