Saturday, April 9, 2011

Reason To Live

I still don’t know what’s killing me. No one will say it, but I know it’s true. Whatever it is that’s wrong, it’s killing me. I’ve begun to think if I wasn’t resisting it as much as I have, I’d already be dead.

The doctors think it’s just some freak case. They’ve given me antibiotics and it seems to work, for a time. My symptoms have gone down, but the underlying cause, I can still feel it within me, like a feral beast awaiting the moment when the cage is opened once again.

At least I’ve found something to note the passage of time. This eternal struggle has made time seem to stand still. I’ve never been interested in it before, but I’ve found myself watching American Idol. There’s something about this guy from Blue Springs, Missouri. I find myself wanting him to win. It sounds crazy thinking about it, but at the time, it made sense. I’m fighting for my life against an unknown ailment, and I’m voting for someone to win a talent show.

I think it’s giving my life meaning. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I’m going to conquer it. I’m not just going to fight it, I’m going to find ways to enjoy myself despite the pain and anguish. I’m going to make this guy the winner. I started getting callouses from voting so much. My phone let me send a message to twenty numbers at the time and even by the end of the first night, I could enter it in without a thought. My mom and I voted the entire two hours, just sitting on the couch, text after text after text. Come to think of it, that might have been her way of joining in my struggle. A way to show me she would stand by my side all the way. At the time, the only thing that mattered was texting as much as I could. (I think I’ll thank her for that now.)

As crazy as it sounds, this gives me something to do besides fighting. It became a silent chant in my mind. “Just one more day. Just one more day. Gotta vote David Cook to the next round. Just one more day.”

It’s become easier to resist now. I guess putting your mind on something else really can help. I have a goal, and not just “to survive.” That’s too generic, too distant. It might seem so far off that I could lose grip. But now, all I need, all I have to have strength for, is Just One More Day.

1 comment:

  1. I like your blog a lot, Kevin. You are a very thoughtful writer.
    -Danielle m.