Friday, April 1, 2011

Beginning's End

It came back. I can’t comprehend it, what is plaguing me, but something has to be wrong. Something has to be terribly wrong. Swallowing has become so difficult, with this golf-ball sized knot in my throat. Breathing is fine, eating is fine, neither makes it hurt any worse. But living, living hurts.

I went to see my doctor again. He won’t admit it, but he’s as clueless as I am. Something has gone terribly wrong. He knows it’s not a bacteria, but has given me antibiotics just to see what they do.

I hate temperature now. The heat, the cold. If only they would stay for a while. It seems like every moment I switch between sweating uncontrollably to shaking with chills. There has to be some way to cure this.

At least whatever’s wrong with me is draining my strength. I’ll be able to sleep some of the hours away. Or so I thought. My day is spent blocking the pain. As long as I’m forcing it out of my mind, I can’t get any rest. There’s only one way to sleep. Welcome the oblivion. Slowly, I release the walls I’ve set up in my mind. The pain washes over me…I’ve never screamed myself to sleep before, but it looks like I’ll be doing it for a while now. I can’t believe no one else can hear me. At least someone’s getting a good night’s sleep.

No man’s an island, you say? I sure proved that one wrong. keeping myself going one step at a time has turned my thoughts inward, constantly focusing on control. I can’t talk much because of the sharp pain when I forget the walls. Until I lay in bed, I can’t let it take over me. I have to stay in control.

I have to keep working. I have to go to class. They’re the only ways I can keep track of the time passing. Every day is just pain. But at least I’m somewhere else for a while. Even with all this crushing weight on my shoulders, a change of scenery is…kinda nice.

Driving takes the edge off. Feeling the cold wind on my face takes me back to childhood, playing in the snow, climbing the mountain, snowboarding, and for a brief moment, nothing I’m dealing with exists. Eventually, I’ll have to return to reality, but for a second, I am free.

I don’t know when I’ll reach my limit, maybe I already have. But I have to keep going. I’m not sure why, but I have to. Just one more step. Just one more day.

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