Words of Wisdom

This is a guest post by my lovely fiancée, Lauren Cockrum, who wanted to share her thoughts while I was attempting to write a serious blog about something that has been weighing on my mind for some time now. May it enlighten you as much as it has me.

titties   the end

My Manifesto

I have to do this. It's time I draw the line in the sand. There is no turning back. I've come too far to give up now. I have dreams, a life to live.

Who else can love Lauren better than I? Who else can open the Atlas Arcade? Who can be a greater friend to those I care for? Who can be a better father to the children in my future? No, if I'm to live these dreams, I can't let even this set me back. No matter the cost, no matter the pain, I will survive. I will come out on top. Bring your best and I'll destroy them all. There's fire in my blood and I'm ready for the fight. I have too much to live for to let you stop me here.

I call out to you, those tired of the monotony life has given you, those wanting to be freed from the chains of mediocrity. Get behind me and I'll carve us a path! To freedom! To the future! To our dreams! To tomorrow!

Think, Man! Think!

It’s my first full day in St. Louis. I have begun the last leg of my treatment. Today, they did a few tests, and gave me a sample of the drug I am in a trial for. It is supposed to accelerate the building of my stem cells which will aid in the collection later this week.

I’m exhausted, and still carry that knot in my stomach that I know won’t be cured by any medicine and will remain with me until I return home. I can’t sleep more than half an hour at a time since my bed is missing something vital.

However, something caught my attention today while I was at the hospital. My lack of patience for people who substitute a smile for knowledge. Just because you have that fake grin on your face, does not excuse you for not performing your job or being knowledgable about the information concerning your profession. Don’t be shocked when I don’t wave off my complaint or inquiry just because you don’t want to find out. I wasn’t asking to invoke a conversation. I have a quandary that needs a response. If you don’t know, find someone who does and bring them here. Don’t just stand there grinning dumbly.

On that same note, giving a person what they want is far different from giving them what you or the company thinks they want. When you ask me if I want a blanket, and I say no, why in the name of all that is good, do you cover me with a blanket? Not only did I not ask for it, I specifically stated I did not wish to have one. You then attempt to access my port because you “think patients prefer it to getting pricked in the arm.” “Patients?” Are we all the same now? I just finished telling you I don’t want you touching that. Leave it alone. Use my arm. Yes, I am fully aware it means I get a needle in my arm. That is what getting a needle in your arm means.

Use your head, take each individual into account, don’t just go through the motions and expect everyone to want whatever attention you’re giving them. What exactly do you take me for?

This entry can be summed up quite simply in the phrase, “Think, man! Think!”

Life Worth Living

We meet a multitude of people during the span of our lifetime. Most of these people whose paths we cross are simply strangers we share a passing glance with, or even just happen to exist in our peripheral vision. Someone who wanders within sight that will soon vanish just as quickly as they came.

There are people we share moments, maybe even quite a few moments of our life with. They remain active in our minds and in our lives for a long time. We share memories, we laugh together, cry together, we look forward to spending time together.

And then there is that person that your life just seems to bend around. You just find yourself inexplicably drawn to them, and they to you.

They change you for the better. Not that changing you is their intent, but just being around them makes you want to improve. They can see right through you, and can reveal to you your core strengths, even ones you didn’t know you had. They lift you up when you’ve fallen, and allow you to lean on them to prevent your ever falling again.

Life had meaning before, but you’ve removed my blinders, allowed me to see so much more than I could have ever seen. I feel like I can take on anything, as long as I get to come home to that smile.

I have found my greatest treasure, and it’s you.

This Too Shall Pass

It has been far too long since I’ve blogged. And I know exactly why. I’ve been wanting to invent some grand account with my new struggle concerning chemotherapy. I’ve been wanting to log every detail. I’ve been wanting. I just, haven’t been doing.

The treatment I wanted to write about drained me so much that during the time I was feeling it, I was too weakened to write about it. And once I was out of it, during recovery, I wanted nothing to do with it. I was trapped by my own condition. And so my blog sat here, waiting for me.

Until I came to realize a great truth. Something I’ve heard time and again, but never quite listened to. “This too shall pass.” It’s a beautifully zen saying. No matter what hardships we may face, they’ll pass. No matter what great event is occurring in our lives, it’ll pass. Our ups and downs, our proudest and our weakest moments, all will pass in time. They’re important moments in our lives, but that is all they are. Moments.

While I was suffering the effects of treatment, I felt locked inside my own personal hell. I couldn’t even remember time before the agony, nor could I imagine a time after. I was lost in that moment. And that’s when it hit me. That moment. It’s all that matters, right now. Live in that singular moment. Savor every taste, breathe in every breath of air. There is no future, there is no past. There is only now.

And that is exactly what I intend to write about. The now. Pure and simple.

Survival of the Fittest

I made it. It’s the two-year mark, finally. Happy birthday to me. It couldn’t already be two years. But the time has come. Every test has returned normal. Every exam has come back clean. What more can be done but to remove this machine from my body, and hang up the towel. We have won.

The battle is over, but the doctor wants just one more scan. This is a little favor considering all that he has done.

What’s this? It cannot be. And yet, there it is. Precisely where it once was. Like the moon in a midnight sky, my neck glows on the page. Could it be? My tonsils are likewise illuminated. There is even a star to set the scene in my chest.

What has happened? The chances of anything happening after two years is supposed to be almost nil. But this…no, no. I recognize you, foe. I’ve felt your shadow creep upon me. How could I have been so blind, basking in the sunshine. I could not sense my own shadow approaching. You who I fought for too long, have decided to welcome yourself back in. The others refuse to believe, but I know it is the truth.

Just you wait. The curtain shall rise, and all will know it is you who wishes to claim me. And it is then that my trap will be set, and I will have you. You cannot take me. You will not take me. I will destroy you. I will survive.

Is It Over?

Life had begun anew. On my twenty-first birthday, I received the news that I had been cured. No, I knew the moment the first dose of treatment hit my bloodstream, I had won. It was merely required that I survive the ordeal. Time was lost to me. I had heard that treatment lasted 6 months, but it seemed only a day, and yet…a lifetime. I felt as though I had woken up after a long dark sleep.

My senses returned to me. The world seemed brighter, more vibrant than I could remember. Scents hung in the air, colors leapt out at me. Memories etched themselves into my mind. I felt renewed. My mountain had not claimed me. Proudly I stood at its peak, the conquerer and not the conquered. No more would I struggle. No more would I wonder if I could survive the night. My life was my own.

Every test proved my life was back in my hands. Every scan looked normal, every doctor visit returned positive results. Slowly, surely, I made the trips less and less. It was hard at first, not having anything to do every other week. Some times I would look at the clock and think that I had better get ready, it was almost time for treatment. And then I would remember that those days were over. I no longer needed those training wheels. I no longer needed that weapon to keep me alive. I WAS the weapon.

Some things, however, had to change. There were parts of me that would never go back to the way they were. I was irrevocably changed by this chain of events. For better or worse, there was no turning back. I could only go forward each day, as the man I had become.

I had danced with death and lived. That fact had rooted itself in my very core. I slowly began to realize the truth of what had happened. Colors were more vibrant because I had lived in darkness.  Sounds were more distinct because I suffered in silence. I saw life for the value it held. This one life I have, became the greatest treasure imaginable.

It was at that moment that I had truly awaken. When all other lights had faded, mine burned even brighter.